I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
