when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize