I puked a lego.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
