i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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