Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
