did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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