don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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