you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
