Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
