smell my finger.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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