My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
