Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
