Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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