I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
