Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
