I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
