Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize