That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
