So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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