after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
