P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
