The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
