awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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