I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
