I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
