I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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