Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
