On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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