Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
