dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
