Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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