I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
