please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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