i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
