I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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