But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
