Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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