I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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