The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
