I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
