I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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