i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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