I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
