well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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