Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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