Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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