just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
