be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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