I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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