Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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