So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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