She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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