she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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