super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
