I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
