i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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